29 December 2017


2017 is a suck year? Well, I've been in worst year such as 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010....(and the numbers go on and on)

I literally have bad yearsss. But hey! Life will always smack a lesson book at your face and said,

"Bitch, learn this!" 

Since today is last Friday of 2017, I just wanna share with you what this year teached me the most.

"You are sinful, but yet God never punish you, He just test you."

You know, Ive been opened my Hijab for past two year and I just wore it back for about 2 months ago (even-i-actually-open-it-sometimes-now-cause-i-still-hate-wearing-it). I made a lots of mistake but this is the only thing that I've done right even it kindda need more time to adapt with it. 


I'm not trying to tell you that "hey! I still do bad stuff and God did nothing to me". No. He took away lotssssssssssss of thing from me.

The only thing that I always have in my mind when I'm under depression and wanna commit suicide is,

"Fuck me, even God hates me now, and since He hates me so much, He will continuously punish me till i die, so lets just die then"

I think most of people that wanna commit suicide could relate this.

"stress? Solat je lah, cam takde tuhan pulak, mintak kat tuhan" netizen.

"depress? Buat teruk sangat aih, sikit je pon, orang lain lagi teruk, tak ingat Tuhan lah tu" pig netizen. 

Do you guys know that most of stress and sinful people they talked to God?but unfortunately the only thing they feel are,

"Aku kotoq, dosa banyak, Tuhan tak sayang aku"

"Tuhan tak dengaq pon doa aku, aku nk buat cam na nih, dah lah duniya ni Dia punya"

"Takda harapan thing will get better, Tuhan tak sayang aku dah, Dia nk hukum aku ja sekarang"

We talked to God more than you ever know. But since we are too scared, we just lost patience and believe in God. 

Somehow, with this kind of thought, God makes me listen to a religious talk by Mufti Menk sounds,

"Did Allah test you or punish you?"

Guys, do you wanna know something beautiful? 

This question we have been asking ourself, its actually depends 100% on us! 

If you think Allah hates you, well then, He hates everybody in this world cause everyone been tested. 

Even our prophet Muhammad been tested hardly by God, and we knew how much God love Muhammad. 

He never hates us. 

We been tested for something that beyond our mind. I cant mention mine cause its too private,  so you can pick one of yours.

"Are you hurt? Come and talk to me, I will solve it for you, come close to me (by do lots of ibadah of course)" said Allah.

"Fuck my life, its ruined anyway! Life is unfair! Bloody hell! (then I start to do more worst stuffs)" cried hopeless me. 

"No! No! No! Come talk to me dont turn away, believe in me! Oh my! I'm sorry, I have to take away all your money and your job, I give you lots of debts and financial problem, so now, turn back to me! Say my name! I can help you!" Allah plead me.

"Shit, I'm broke af, why do God hate me and let me live this shitty life, what do you want from me, God?!!!! I put my sweat for my own money!!!" I said arrogantly. 

"I knew you work hard, but you dont talk to me, I'm the one who give you problem and I'm the one who can give you solution! Stop fighting back and believe in me! Crawl to me and I will walk to you, walk to me and I will run to you!" Allah said. 

"I'm tired. Please help me Allah. Please. I donno how to do this" I cried in my hundred prayers for monthsssssss. 

(sorry, for telling this in dramatic way cause I love drama sometimes, haha)

Then Allah start to make everything beautiful in my life, even I'm still not a perfect muslim. 

If test make you a better person so it just a test

If test make you worst person even more so it is a punishment.

So be a better person.

I've been stupid for boyssss. Allah makes them leave me with the most hurtful way till I feel so useless. But then Allah, replace them with a MEN that I never thought existed. He treat me so well till I forget all my pain. 

I've been through a hard time with my family. And Allah makes me love them even harder till I couldnt explain the love, every doa that I made for a guy that I love before, I changed it for my family instead. How can I be so careless in loving them before. Hmm.

I've been terminated by a company cause they are down sizing and they didnt pay my salary and compensation for a long time, too long till I have to make a lots of debts cause i dont have money at all.But, Allah replace it with a new job with better company and better salary and I never thought to be an Engineer cause I'm stupid af, but Allah really do offer me this position. 

Now you can relate?

He never hate us, He just test us for us to get closer to Him.

Lillahita'ala if He remove something or someone in your life, bare in mind that He just wanna replace it with something better. 

Believe in Him.

I have nothing to achieve on 2018 actually.

Specifically no.

Just dont ruin another year, irah. 

20 December 2017


Did you know if you do good in Dunya, you will have credit to name persons that you want to meet in Jannah, once you be able to enter it? 

This guy is one of the name I wanna mention to God if I couldnt find him. 

(In heaven)

I'll be like, "Allah, do you remember a guy that you send to me when I was down to earth?"

"Ya, that annoying guy that always keep me safe and always remind me of You when I'm lost."

"Can you send him over, cause I cant find him around, well you know, this Heaven of yours have seven level of it, too big for me to look around"(Allah must be annoyed of me so much, haha, keep on asking things since I was alived)

Today, he turns 25. And I will let u know why he deserve this post. I've been knowing him since I was 19, and he annoyed me more when I was 23.

You know I never meet a good guy except guys in my family. I know this guy looks very naughty, little bit casanova sometimes (okay, he's too caring and busybody actually. Haha), sometimes he looks like bad ass guy but he actually NOT at all (suprisingly).

I couldnt describe to you how too kind he is. Too much kind hearted guy. He do anything for people that he loves and only blind people could not realize that. And a thing that impressed me the most about him is his reliance towards Allah. Well, he rarely show it physically but all his thought, he always has Allah with him. 

I remember a moment that both of us broke af, and I was freakin out, and words that come out from his mouth,

"In sha Allah, nanti okay lah ni
"Dosa camne pon sembahyang je, doa je, Allah know"

Simple but yet beautiful. Allah must be like, "that's right man!".

Cause everything start to fall into places in his life, he dont manage to graduate on time but did you know he got a job before he graduate? And he got that job with his own sweat? Not using any link or any easy method? 

He been rejected by so many companies, he managed to get a job but he cant go for it due to some reasons. 

"I need a work place that near my house, I've been away from my family for too long, its time for me to take care of my family, in sha Allah ada rezeki kerja sini" he said. 

With Allah bless.

He managed to graduate, he got a job before graduation, his work place just 10 minutes away from his house and Allah offers him an Engineer position! (its not easy to find this position nowadays okay)

Did you see how Allah give us bonus when we pray to Him? Allah is The Most Merciful. 

He always feel left out in his study and can you imagine he is one of the Engineer in our class now? 

Allah is the greatest. 

Through all his struggle he never miss out to look out for his friend, me. He dont like I told his life story to other people cause he feel ashamed.

But, because of his life story and how great his love towards Allah that inspired people like me to keep believe everything will be alright. I need to share this. 

We need more story like this to be shared in this sick society. Someone need to know that Allah's plan everything specifically in our life in His most beautiful way.

We just need to believe in Him and transfer all our worries to The Greatest Al-Mighty. 

Dear Syabil, I'm not sure if you read this but I will make sure your children read this and know how great his father's believe towards his God and how he could able to handle struggle in his life. Thank you for all the kindness that u did in my life. 

May tears of sorrow never touch your eyes. And may He never let your smile leaves your face.

P/s: i do all this by myself keyh. Please be impress cause you have no idea how hard it was. Hahaha. Hats off to all the florist that have to make thousand of bonquet in their life for money. 

12 November 2017


I've always been a huge birthday person. People who knew me before would know how alarming I was when it comes to my birthday. Cause, Oh, you know it's a day we were born and it's very special of course.

I'm 25 years old this year.
Gosh! How time flies.

Some of us at this age, start to built up career successfully, point of their stable life, being pretty and handsome, someone fiance, someone wife, someone mother and here I am.


Ok, this is so ugly. Haha.

Somehow it makes me feel I don't deserve to celebrate my birthday. I feel ashamed of myself. "25, and you have nothing? what did you do?"

So useless.

Yah,I realized, for 25 years I really do nothing for my life. I'm the one who let things happen to myself. I was bullied for being broke, I was bullied for being too sensitive, I was bullied for being too vulnerable, for being too honest, too kind (can lah, still not so kind lah).


I started guarding myself, started not allowing people into my life. I don't even know my roomate name okay. Haha. Well, it not because they are bad or I was looking at them and think "You, might hurt me". NO. But it because I feel I don't deserve to be welcome into other people life.

I've been mourned for something that I can't do anything bout it and let go of all the chances that I possibly can change something. I trap myself in the way I could not help. Too much focus in what I lose, instead of realize what I have.

I've been given someone for the first time of my life, who made me feel like I was worthy of being loved, who made me feel seen. I was looking to feel heard and this person heard me.

I'm still blessed, someone actually loves me. Alhamdulillah.

On my birthday, I look out at all my old photos when I was OKAY. Then I found MINI me picture, try so hard to walk with those tiny legs of mine. Smile proudly without hesitation.

Cute, by the way.

I looked at my own tiny eyes and I see, "THIS GIRL IS GOING PLACES".
But when I stand in front of the mirror, looked at myself now, at this age of 25,
I don't see that look in my eyes anymore.
I was looking at a person that no longer resembled me.
I looked and I can described myself like a sky choking on clouds. Not knowing whether to rain or sunny or to be clear.


And at that moment, at the age of 25 I decided not to give up on myself. You know, blog is more than just a website with words to me. I don't force myself with the content.

Oh, type I mean. Whatever, as long as you understand what I'm trying to say. Haha.

I write about my pain. I write bout it as hard as it feels and no one will tell me bout what to write or not to write. People once ask me to stop write bout how agony I feel to gain people sympathy.

Stop right there, fellas.

I heal this way, and the fact that I post it cause I know I could help someone out there to make they feel that they are not ALONE.

The deeper I went into my pain, the higher I rose in courage, the higher I rose in being proud of who I am. Turning my pain into something beautiful, turning it into nectar, instead of turning it into bitterness or coldness. That has given me so much conviction in the fact that our world need more people,


"This is what happened to me, and this is how I overcome it, and you have no right to take away my story from me, because when you do that, you take away a new person that I'm becoming".

So, yah.

I might be nothing at this age 25, but you will see I grow and not give up. By the age of 26, in sha Allah, I will read this back and said to myself,

"Wow, I really do something for me to growth and achieve this level."

Now, I've been struggling so much, I broke to pieces that I have to pick up every each of myself, and I'm still picking up. Have a trust in Allah, He loves you no matter how bad you think you are. If He didn't give what you want yet, be patience, He got plan.

HE WILL SUPRISE YOU. This moment you are living, no matter which level you are right now, that because Allah want you to be there. This is what I learn from my man. My bubsy. Have a trust in Allah. He keep remind me that when I down to earth.

So don't compare your life with others. Write your own story, use your own time frame. Have trust in Allah. 8.11.2017 is the date I turn 25.


P/S: Thank you to wonderful person who wish my birthday, Thank you to a wonderful person who bought me cake and starbuck's beverage with your limited money. Thank you to a very patience person who wait 30 minutes just to kidnap me away. I really hope God will bless you with lots of His blessing. Next year gonna be 8.11.18, I can feel the ONG redi. Haha.

6 October 2017


This few weeks haven't be a nice week for me. Well I'm currently still having my hijab on and it's completely one week now. Yey!*SWEATING*

I've been so much worry bout finance lately. I'm holding too much responsibilities in my family now and my job hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't really know how I could survive this for upcoming weeks as I still can't see any solutions right now.

So. I. Worry. Much.
Giving advise to yourself is very hard to do.

One moment I'll be like,
"Okay, I can handle this, it just a phase of life, every one been through this"

One moment I'll be like,
"Fuck this positive shit! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!"

Literally freak out.

Having this mental breakdown while you living alone by yourself is not a good idea sometimes. Overthinking is a secret weapon that can lead to self war. But when you try to be a little bit positive, being alone give a chance for you to reflect everything. Where I found it pretty good actually.

I've been worry bout the future a lot. This anxiety is because I knew I could do nothing bout my problems. I've been away from my family for this past 6 years where I'm currently in Penang right now for work.

Being away from your family and familiar environment can be so tough as I'm out from my comfort zone. But I just realize Allah always, always had my back. He will help me with the most beautiful and unexpected ways.

I've been slept in my car for two days in a row as I've been kick out from my house rent. Fyi, that orange kelisa of mine has no air conditioner in it. Can you imagine how miserable is that? I slept with gallons of sweat with all my stuffs in there and my car smells like a gym.


I don't have god damn money to rent a new house. Fortunately, my man found a new house for me to rent with very cheap price and complete facilities. RM 125 for fully furnished room and house, with WIFI, complete kitchen, and with Astro's plate outside the house (okay that wifi important the most). With Allah help I be able to pay the house. Seriously, I can't remember where that money come from.

Okay, that is not an interesting story. But I could relate with it almost instantaneously. I'm so worry I would be homeless in the future where I'm actually not.

He is helping me.
He give me more than I was praying for.
(I never mention bout that wifi in my pray. hehe)

This situation actually re-affirm what I already know that,

Allah will never leave us alone to fend ourselves.
Allah will test us (21:55) and He also promise us few things.

We will never be tested beyond our capabilities (94:6)
There is ease WITH every difficulties (94:6)which ease will not come AFTER the difficulties, it will come ALONGSIDE the difficulties. Which He means we have to find the ease around us.

Don't mourn over the closed door, search for the opened door.

If you have problems with your job that you can't solve, find other job.
If you have problems with your finance, work your ass harder.
If your bf/gf left you, find the other one.

Well I know it's easier to say, but it seems leggit right?
I mean what more you can do when the door closed and you don't even have the key anymore?

And, what ever happen to us, is always for the best (2:216).

I feed my brain with these 3 thought and praise to Allah the worry start to fade little by little. I come across something at facebook while i'm watching motivation videos that quote

"Let's not carry the worries of this life because it is FOR Allah"
"Do not also carry the worries of sustenance because it is FROM Allah"
"And do not worry about the future because it is BELONGS to Allah"

So, if you feel afraid and feel so much uneasiness that cause you anxiety.


Tell him in your Sujood and feel all the burden being transferred from your shoulder over to Him.


You just hand it over to All Knowing (Al-Alim), All Seeing (Al-Baseer), All Hearing (Al-Sami), All Providing (Al-Razzaq), The Utterly Just (Al-Adl), The Wise (Al-Hakim) and the Protecting, Ally and Helper (Al-Wali).

If you think you can solve everything. It is a bullshit. I've tried. It is a bullshit.

Really. You are Homo Sapien (human) for God Sake!

You can't fix anything.
But He can.

This life is a mountain that you've been carrying and all you have to do is climb.
Enjoy the scene, enjoy the beauty.
Taken the air.
Marvel and be excited what Allah been prepared for us on top of the mountain, what he plan for us.

Surprise is always the best. I love surprises. Okay, my birthday is coming soon and I love surprises. (take note sayang!)

Okay, okay, back to the topic.

I hope we all have the strength to face our struggles. Because if only we can see the size of blessing, that is coming to us right now, then we would understand the magnitude of the battle that we are currently struggling.

I pray for your easiness and strength. A lots of DM and messages that I got from my previous post that show lots of us are struggling and I just want you to know, I always with all of you who are having battle right now. I really do love you, May Allah give us lots of His bless.

I love you girls and please be strong. Your name in my doa each day. You can always text me if you have anything more to share. I can listen to the same story again and again until your pain turn to a beautiful happiness.

To my man,
Thank you for show me that having a patience, believe and tawakkal to Allah is not a waste. You gonna be a good imam in your family soon. I do believe that. I'm so happy you gonna start your career really soon. Allah has rewards you with all his blessings.

I love you my one and only engineer.
Maybe we can go Sephora more often next month ya?
yes? no?
Just a suggestion tho.

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