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29 December 2017

DID GOD TEST YOU OR PUNISH YOU?

2017 is a suck year? Well, I've been in worst year such as 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010....(and the numbers go on and on)

I literally have bad yearsss. But hey! Life will always smack a lesson book at your face and said,

"Bitch, learn this!" 

Since today is last Friday of 2017, I just wanna share with you what this year teached me the most.

"You are sinful, but yet God never punish you, He just test you."

You know, Ive been opened my Hijab for past two year and I just wore it back for about 2 months ago (even-i-actually-open-it-sometimes-now-cause-i-still-hate-wearing-it). I made a lots of mistake but this is the only thing that I've done right even it kindda need more time to adapt with it. 

Sigh. 

I'm not trying to tell you that "hey! I still do bad stuff and God did nothing to me". No. He took away lotssssssssssss of thing from me.

The only thing that I always have in my mind when I'm under depression and wanna commit suicide is,

"Fuck me, even God hates me now, and since He hates me so much, He will continuously punish me till i die, so lets just die then"

I think most of people that wanna commit suicide could relate this.

"stress? Solat je lah, cam takde tuhan pulak, mintak kat tuhan" netizen.

"depress? Buat teruk sangat aih, sikit je pon, orang lain lagi teruk, tak ingat Tuhan lah tu" pig netizen. 

Do you guys know that most of stress and sinful people they talked to God?but unfortunately the only thing they feel are,

"Aku kotoq, dosa banyak, Tuhan tak sayang aku"

"Tuhan tak dengaq pon doa aku, aku nk buat cam na nih, dah lah duniya ni Dia punya"

"Takda harapan thing will get better, Tuhan tak sayang aku dah, Dia nk hukum aku ja sekarang"

We talked to God more than you ever know. But since we are too scared, we just lost patience and believe in God. 

Somehow, with this kind of thought, God makes me listen to a religious talk by Mufti Menk sounds,

"Did Allah test you or punish you?"

Guys, do you wanna know something beautiful? 

This question we have been asking ourself, its actually depends 100% on us! 

If you think Allah hates you, well then, He hates everybody in this world cause everyone been tested. 

Even our prophet Muhammad been tested hardly by God, and we knew how much God love Muhammad. 

He never hates us. 
Never.

We been tested for something that beyond our mind. I cant mention mine cause its too private,  so you can pick one of yours.

"Are you hurt? Come and talk to me, I will solve it for you, come close to me (by do lots of ibadah of course)" said Allah.

"Fuck my life, its ruined anyway! Life is unfair! Bloody hell! (then I start to do more worst stuffs)" cried hopeless me. 

"No! No! No! Come talk to me dont turn away, believe in me! Oh my! I'm sorry, I have to take away all your money and your job, I give you lots of debts and financial problem, so now, turn back to me! Say my name! I can help you!" Allah plead me.

"Shit, I'm broke af, why do God hate me and let me live this shitty life, what do you want from me, God?!!!! I put my sweat for my own money!!!" I said arrogantly. 

"I knew you work hard, but you dont talk to me, I'm the one who give you problem and I'm the one who can give you solution! Stop fighting back and believe in me! Crawl to me and I will walk to you, walk to me and I will run to you!" Allah said. 

"I'm tired. Please help me Allah. Please. I donno how to do this" I cried in my hundred prayers for monthsssssss. 

(sorry, for telling this in dramatic way cause I love drama sometimes, haha)

Then Allah start to make everything beautiful in my life, even I'm still not a perfect muslim. 

If test make you a better person so it just a test


If test make you worst person even more so it is a punishment.

So be a better person.
Always. 

I've been stupid for boyssss. Allah makes them leave me with the most hurtful way till I feel so useless. But then Allah, replace them with a MEN that I never thought existed. He treat me so well till I forget all my pain. 

I've been through a hard time with my family. And Allah makes me love them even harder till I couldnt explain the love, every doa that I made for a guy that I love before, I changed it for my family instead. How can I be so careless in loving them before. Hmm.

I've been terminated by a company cause they are down sizing and they didnt pay my salary and compensation for a long time, too long till I have to make a lots of debts cause i dont have money at all.But, Allah replace it with a new job with better company and better salary and I never thought to be an Engineer cause I'm stupid af, but Allah really do offer me this position. 

Now you can relate?

He never hate us, He just test us for us to get closer to Him.

Lillahita'ala if He remove something or someone in your life, bare in mind that He just wanna replace it with something better. 

Believe in Him.

I have nothing to achieve on 2018 actually.

Specifically no.

Just dont ruin another year, irah. 









20 December 2017

A GUY THAT I WANNA MEET IN JANNAH

Did you know if you do good in Dunya, you will have credit to name persons that you want to meet in Jannah, once you be able to enter it? 

This guy is one of the name I wanna mention to God if I couldnt find him. 

(In heaven)

I'll be like, "Allah, do you remember a guy that you send to me when I was down to earth?"

"Ya, that annoying guy that always keep me safe and always remind me of You when I'm lost."

"Can you send him over, cause I cant find him around, well you know, this Heaven of yours have seven level of it, too big for me to look around"(Allah must be annoyed of me so much, haha, keep on asking things since I was alived)

Today, he turns 25. And I will let u know why he deserve this post. I've been knowing him since I was 19, and he annoyed me more when I was 23.

You know I never meet a good guy except guys in my family. I know this guy looks very naughty, little bit casanova sometimes (okay, he's too caring and busybody actually. Haha), sometimes he looks like bad ass guy but he actually NOT at all (suprisingly).

I couldnt describe to you how too kind he is. Too much kind hearted guy. He do anything for people that he loves and only blind people could not realize that. And a thing that impressed me the most about him is his reliance towards Allah. Well, he rarely show it physically but all his thought, he always has Allah with him. 

I remember a moment that both of us broke af, and I was freakin out, and words that come out from his mouth,

"In sha Allah, nanti okay lah ni
"Dosa camne pon sembahyang je, doa je, Allah know"

Simple but yet beautiful. Allah must be like, "that's right man!".

Cause everything start to fall into places in his life, he dont manage to graduate on time but did you know he got a job before he graduate? And he got that job with his own sweat? Not using any link or any easy method? 

He been rejected by so many companies, he managed to get a job but he cant go for it due to some reasons. 

"I need a work place that near my house, I've been away from my family for too long, its time for me to take care of my family, in sha Allah ada rezeki kerja sini" he said. 

With Allah bless.

He managed to graduate, he got a job before graduation, his work place just 10 minutes away from his house and Allah offers him an Engineer position! (its not easy to find this position nowadays okay)

Did you see how Allah give us bonus when we pray to Him? Allah is The Most Merciful. 

He always feel left out in his study and can you imagine he is one of the Engineer in our class now? 

Allah is the greatest. 

Through all his struggle he never miss out to look out for his friend, me. He dont like I told his life story to other people cause he feel ashamed.

But, because of his life story and how great his love towards Allah that inspired people like me to keep believe everything will be alright. I need to share this. 

We need more story like this to be shared in this sick society. Someone need to know that Allah's plan everything specifically in our life in His most beautiful way.

We just need to believe in Him and transfer all our worries to The Greatest Al-Mighty. 

Dear Syabil, I'm not sure if you read this but I will make sure your children read this and know how great his father's believe towards his God and how he could able to handle struggle in his life. Thank you for all the kindness that u did in my life. 

May tears of sorrow never touch your eyes. And may He never let your smile leaves your face.

P/s: i do all this by myself keyh. Please be impress cause you have no idea how hard it was. Hahaha. Hats off to all the florist that have to make thousand of bonquet in their life for money. 







12 November 2017

25 YEARS FOR NOTHING

I've always been a huge birthday person. People who knew me before would know how alarming I was when it comes to my birthday. Cause, Oh, you know it's a day we were born and it's very special of course.

I'm 25 years old this year.
Gosh! How time flies.

Some of us at this age, start to built up career successfully, point of their stable life, being pretty and handsome, someone fiance, someone wife, someone mother and here I am.

SOMEONE NO ONE.
BROKE AF.
STILL HIDEOUS.
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE.

Ok, this is so ugly. Haha.

Somehow it makes me feel I don't deserve to celebrate my birthday. I feel ashamed of myself. "25, and you have nothing? what did you do?"

So useless.

Yah,I realized, for 25 years I really do nothing for my life. I'm the one who let things happen to myself. I was bullied for being broke, I was bullied for being too sensitive, I was bullied for being too vulnerable, for being too honest, too kind (can lah, still not so kind lah).

I STARTED BUILDING UP WALLS.

I started guarding myself, started not allowing people into my life. I don't even know my roomate name okay. Haha. Well, it not because they are bad or I was looking at them and think "You, might hurt me". NO. But it because I feel I don't deserve to be welcome into other people life.

I've been mourned for something that I can't do anything bout it and let go of all the chances that I possibly can change something. I trap myself in the way I could not help. Too much focus in what I lose, instead of realize what I have.

I've been given someone for the first time of my life, who made me feel like I was worthy of being loved, who made me feel seen. I was looking to feel heard and this person heard me.

I'm still blessed, someone actually loves me. Alhamdulillah.

On my birthday, I look out at all my old photos when I was OKAY. Then I found MINI me picture, try so hard to walk with those tiny legs of mine. Smile proudly without hesitation.

Cute, by the way.

I looked at my own tiny eyes and I see, "THIS GIRL IS GOING PLACES".
But when I stand in front of the mirror, looked at myself now, at this age of 25,
I don't see that look in my eyes anymore.
I was looking at a person that no longer resembled me.
I looked and I can described myself like a sky choking on clouds. Not knowing whether to rain or sunny or to be clear.

I LOOK LIKE I WAS CHOKING.

And at that moment, at the age of 25 I decided not to give up on myself. You know, blog is more than just a website with words to me. I don't force myself with the content.

I WILL KEEP ON WRITE.
Oh, type I mean. Whatever, as long as you understand what I'm trying to say. Haha.

I write about my pain. I write bout it as hard as it feels and no one will tell me bout what to write or not to write. People once ask me to stop write bout how agony I feel to gain people sympathy.

STOP.
Stop right there, fellas.

I heal this way, and the fact that I post it cause I know I could help someone out there to make they feel that they are not ALONE.

The deeper I went into my pain, the higher I rose in courage, the higher I rose in being proud of who I am. Turning my pain into something beautiful, turning it into nectar, instead of turning it into bitterness or coldness. That has given me so much conviction in the fact that our world need more people,

WHO NOT AFRAID TO BE HUMAN, TO BE VULNERABLE, TO TAKE RISK AND TO STAND INFRONT OF THE WORLD AND SAID,

"This is what happened to me, and this is how I overcome it, and you have no right to take away my story from me, because when you do that, you take away a new person that I'm becoming".

So, yah.

I might be nothing at this age 25, but you will see I grow and not give up. By the age of 26, in sha Allah, I will read this back and said to myself,

"Wow, I really do something for me to growth and achieve this level."

Now, I've been struggling so much, I broke to pieces that I have to pick up every each of myself, and I'm still picking up. Have a trust in Allah, He loves you no matter how bad you think you are. If He didn't give what you want yet, be patience, He got plan.

HE WILL SUPRISE YOU. This moment you are living, no matter which level you are right now, that because Allah want you to be there. This is what I learn from my man. My bubsy. Have a trust in Allah. He keep remind me that when I down to earth.

So don't compare your life with others. Write your own story, use your own time frame. Have trust in Allah. 8.11.2017 is the date I turn 25.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

P/S: Thank you to wonderful person who wish my birthday, Thank you to a wonderful person who bought me cake and starbuck's beverage with your limited money. Thank you to a very patience person who wait 30 minutes just to kidnap me away. I really hope God will bless you with lots of His blessing. Next year gonna be 8.11.18, I can feel the ONG redi. Haha.

6 October 2017

I WORRY TOO MUCH

This few weeks haven't be a nice week for me. Well I'm currently still having my hijab on and it's completely one week now. Yey!*SWEATING*

I've been so much worry bout finance lately. I'm holding too much responsibilities in my family now and my job hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't really know how I could survive this for upcoming weeks as I still can't see any solutions right now.

So. I. Worry. Much.
Giving advise to yourself is very hard to do.

One moment I'll be like,
"Okay, I can handle this, it just a phase of life, every one been through this"

One moment I'll be like,
"Fuck this positive shit! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!"

Literally freak out.

Having this mental breakdown while you living alone by yourself is not a good idea sometimes. Overthinking is a secret weapon that can lead to self war. But when you try to be a little bit positive, being alone give a chance for you to reflect everything. Where I found it pretty good actually.

I've been worry bout the future a lot. This anxiety is because I knew I could do nothing bout my problems. I've been away from my family for this past 6 years where I'm currently in Penang right now for work.

Being away from your family and familiar environment can be so tough as I'm out from my comfort zone. But I just realize Allah always, always had my back. He will help me with the most beautiful and unexpected ways.

I've been slept in my car for two days in a row as I've been kick out from my house rent. Fyi, that orange kelisa of mine has no air conditioner in it. Can you imagine how miserable is that? I slept with gallons of sweat with all my stuffs in there and my car smells like a gym.

Disgusting.

I don't have god damn money to rent a new house. Fortunately, my man found a new house for me to rent with very cheap price and complete facilities. RM 125 for fully furnished room and house, with WIFI, complete kitchen, and with Astro's plate outside the house (okay that wifi important the most). With Allah help I be able to pay the house. Seriously, I can't remember where that money come from.

Okay, that is not an interesting story. But I could relate with it almost instantaneously. I'm so worry I would be homeless in the future where I'm actually not.

He is helping me.
He give me more than I was praying for.
(I never mention bout that wifi in my pray. hehe)

This situation actually re-affirm what I already know that,

Allah will never leave us alone to fend ourselves.
Allah will test us (21:55) and He also promise us few things.

We will never be tested beyond our capabilities (94:6)
There is ease WITH every difficulties (94:6)which ease will not come AFTER the difficulties, it will come ALONGSIDE the difficulties. Which He means we have to find the ease around us.

Don't mourn over the closed door, search for the opened door.

If you have problems with your job that you can't solve, find other job.
If you have problems with your finance, work your ass harder.
If your bf/gf left you, find the other one.

Well I know it's easier to say, but it seems leggit right?
I mean what more you can do when the door closed and you don't even have the key anymore?

And, what ever happen to us, is always for the best (2:216).

I feed my brain with these 3 thought and praise to Allah the worry start to fade little by little. I come across something at facebook while i'm watching motivation videos that quote

"Let's not carry the worries of this life because it is FOR Allah"
"Do not also carry the worries of sustenance because it is FROM Allah"
"And do not worry about the future because it is BELONGS to Allah"

So, if you feel afraid and feel so much uneasiness that cause you anxiety.

JUST LEAVE IT TO ALLAH.

Tell him in your Sujood and feel all the burden being transferred from your shoulder over to Him.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You just hand it over to All Knowing (Al-Alim), All Seeing (Al-Baseer), All Hearing (Al-Sami), All Providing (Al-Razzaq), The Utterly Just (Al-Adl), The Wise (Al-Hakim) and the Protecting, Ally and Helper (Al-Wali).

If you think you can solve everything. It is a bullshit. I've tried. It is a bullshit.

Really. You are Homo Sapien (human) for God Sake!

You can't fix anything.
But He can.

This life is a mountain that you've been carrying and all you have to do is climb.
Enjoy the scene, enjoy the beauty.
Chill.
Taken the air.
Marvel and be excited what Allah been prepared for us on top of the mountain, what he plan for us.

Surprise is always the best. I love surprises. Okay, my birthday is coming soon and I love surprises. (take note sayang!)

Okay, okay, back to the topic.

I hope we all have the strength to face our struggles. Because if only we can see the size of blessing, that is coming to us right now, then we would understand the magnitude of the battle that we are currently struggling.

I pray for your easiness and strength. A lots of DM and messages that I got from my previous post that show lots of us are struggling and I just want you to know, I always with all of you who are having battle right now. I really do love you, May Allah give us lots of His bless.

I love you girls and please be strong. Your name in my doa each day. You can always text me if you have anything more to share. I can listen to the same story again and again until your pain turn to a beautiful happiness.

To my man,
Thank you for show me that having a patience, believe and tawakkal to Allah is not a waste. You gonna be a good imam in your family soon. I do believe that. I'm so happy you gonna start your career really soon. Allah has rewards you with all his blessings.

I love you my one and only engineer.
Maybe we can go Sephora more often next month ya?
yes? no?
Just a suggestion tho.


1 October 2017

I OPENED MY HIJAB CAUSE I'M MAD WITH GOD

First of all, just calm yourself. This is about me, and it's about people like me.

so, calm down.
Read.

Before I opened my hijab for 2 years now, I was wearing hijab for almost....okay, I can't remember it precisely, 5 to 7 years maybe. To be very honest with you, I never like wearing it. NEVER. I don't like the feels of wearing it, I don't like how hideous I am wearing it. No one knows how I feel bout this matter.

"If you love Allah, then you have to wear tudung for bla bla bla reason", my ibu said.

Don't get me wrong, my mother never force me to do so. She know how much I love Allah back then. She just encouraged me to be more obedient muslim.

So I did.

For these past 2 years until now, things getting tougher, disaster happen to me and my family until I feel very lost.

VERY LOST.
VERY, VERY, VERY LOST.

I'm not that kind, patience girl anymore. I do bad stuffs, I took bad stuffs, I immersed myself in horrible things.

I never blame anyone. But, I blame God.
UNGRATEFUL ME. I know.

I had depression till I've been warded to psychiatic's ward. I cut myself, I bleed myself, I hurt myself.

I literally hate myself.

Don't know how much suicidal way I googled.
Don't know how much time I've been thinking to kill myself.

I just hate my life.

I'm so mad with Allah for being unfair and mean to me. So, I opened my Hijab cause I think He don't love me and I don't want to love him back.

Stupid ya?
Rebel, I can say.

I wore Hijab before not to impress anyone. I do it because I really love my God and my religion. But, when I start to feel frustrated, I stop loving Him and I don't see any purpose of wearing Hijab anymore. I even think of being atheist cause I feel I'm not in a right path anymore.

Astaghfirullahalazim.

After all these two years, last 2 night something funny happen to me.
Even I hate Him and I don't trust Him anymore. My life still miserable. I work hard, very hard, but still my life change nothing! Nothing good happen, my life gettin more hard. I still have anxiety. I still have illusion.

Not even one night I can sleep calmly. I start to lose more money. My car not in a good condition. People treat me badly.

Until one night, weird thing happen. I can't sleep, I can't breath, I feel suffocated and feel heavy pressure pressed my chest. Anxiety strike in, and I decided to have a walk at 3am in the morning to lighten up the pressure. I became half lunatic!

After I felt tired of the long walked, I back to my room and I saw Quran on my closet (I never noticed it before as I purposely put it at hidden place). I love to keep pictures of people that I love in the Quran. So I opened the Quran just to see the pictures.

JUST TO SEE THE PICTURES.

Out of no where, I suddenly start to recite the Quran and It's surah Ar-Rahman(Maha Penyayang). I recited it in the middle of night including the translation.

I feel calm.
Very calm.

Since I love what I feel that moment, I put the Quran right on my chest and hug it. I love the feeling of closer to Quran at that time. Then, I fall asleep.


A voice appear in my dream and it still ringing in my head

"Hanya Allah punya kuasa. Kau tiada daya upaya. Lepaskan bebanmu. Allah jaga." echo in my dream.

Simple.
Just simple as that.

With all this burden, I think I could control it, I think I could handle it by myself. BUT HELL NO! Even I nicely planned everything, nothing seems working smoothly. Whenever Allah say NO, I say YES. Whenever Allah say YES, I say NO. I keep fight all his plan cause I don't like what He do with my life.

After that dream, I stop.
I stop fighting.
I TRUST him back.
I put my HOPE again.
I put my HIJAB on for His sake.
Cause I wanna start loving Him all over again.
Well nothing seems right till now as I just decide to be a good muslim again just 2 days ago. Haha. But, I know I done a right thing this time, and I hope it will be forever.

Thinking of He will take care of me.
Thinking of He will help me.
Thinking of He will guide me.
Thinking of He will not disappoint me.

I'M MORE CALM NOW.

"Everything has its own reason" and "Allah will place me at the best place and best time" are my mantra now.

Those anxiety, they're still there but I keep feeding my mind with positive thoughts.
To be honest I still don't like donning Hijab on my head back again, but, I'm more sincere now.

For Allah, for Islam.
I try my best to bring the best with this "new" identity.

To all my friend and family who unfortunately have to see me 'naked' myself. I'm sorry. I don't mind with all the judgments cause I'm the one who create it. I just want to say thank you for being so understanding.

To all the girls who suffer the same thing as I am right now. I'm always here if you want someone to listen to you,to hug you, to understand you.

I'M HERE, just ring me and I'll be there. This heart conflict is a serious issue. Only people like us understand this. I've been in a position whereas I don't have any comfortable channel to talk bout this. People thought we are attention seeker but we are just a SICK SOUL. We can still safe our self. Cure it before its too late. You still have time and hope. TRUST ME.

To my future children, see? mummy having a tough life too. If at this moment you feel some struggle in your life, always know that mummy will be here for you, guide you to a right path again, always will correct all your flaws, never feel afraid to tell me okay? And if I'm not been destiny to grow old with you, you can tell your daddy too. He will love you what ever it is like he loves me. He will guide you like he did to me. Dont ever once you feel alone in this creepy world okay sayang? Mummy loves you.


To my man,
who never stop being patience and be there for me, guide me, a witness of all my miserable life, thank you and I promise to look at the quickest shawl tutorial at youtube so you wont have to wait for me. Haha.


18 September 2017

NOH SALLEH SUCH A BAE!

Okay, I went to Noh Salleh's concert last Saturday, but I thought it gonna be Hujan's performance. I don't even know Hujan didn't exist anymore until I overheard someone said,

"There is no more Noh Hujan", whoever he was said.

"He is Noh Salleh now, don't you know that? It has been decades ago" he continued.

Blergh. Like I have nothing else to care. Okay, but since I've decided to spend my time to watch his concert, I should have known right?

My apology.

So, basically, I don't know anything bout Indie band actually. Haha. But, I know Mizz NiƱa!(Okay, does it even related?)

Back to the concert.

I don't have to pay for the concert's ticket! It's free! Cause they said it a promotion for his single album.

Well I don't know if it's legal to do at the road side and people blocked few inches of the road, but, that's how free concert do I guess. Sometimes imperfection could be so perfect! It still cozy to sit by the road and listen to good songs (busking concept). I've been told that this concert some sort like a road tour of Noh Salleh. Its located at Kedai Khopi Shocka, Penang. Hmmm, I never knew this kedai kopi exist, but I sure gonna comeback and try the F&B.

I arrived there quite late, so, I basically have no idea how many song he sang. But, I only have chance listened to 5 song of him, which I only knew one of it. Haha.

Oh, god! I'm such a useless fan.
Sorry Noh.

Okay, okay to cover up my noobness , here I attach the lyrics from the song that I knew:

#ANGIN KENCANG
Dalam silauan cahaya,
Membatas pandangan mata,
Namun jelas Ku lihat kamu,
Biarpun Ku sedar kau kian jauh,
Tinggalkan aku yang rapuh,

##Angin kencang membawa kau jauh ke Sana,
kau hilang terus Tanpa khabar,
Tidur Malam Ku mimpi indah ingat kamu,
Ku merindui kamu.

apa yang Ku fikirkan,
Inilah penyiksaan,
Biarpun beribu tahun,
Dan namun kau sentiasa di hatiku,
Menuai senyuman mu,


Repeat the double hashtag until the end of the music.
Thank you mismatch.com (I actually only know the double hashtag part. Thank you Google. Haha)

I never thought he is so handsome and very manly look. He look OK in the picture but surprisingly charming outside. And his voice can blew your heart away! His voice sounds exactly like his recording voice. So amazing! I'm not sure of his song, but, he can hypnotized me with his voice. Handsome and talented such a bae.

I enjoyed his performance so much! Really! Next time if you saw his concert promotion. Buy the ticket! He won't disappoint you.

And,

He's a joker too.
If he saw you eat in front of him while he sing and he hungry. You might have to donate your food to him. Really. He will ask for your food. Haha. He's so cool and not that diva type. You'll feel like you had a friend that can sing and he force you to attend his concert. That kind of connection, you could feel in his concert.

Noh, if you read this, which is not. Haha, just keep doing your art through your song. I'm not a big fan of yours before, but I pinky swear I will start to listen to your beautiful piece after this. All of it. Thank you for these great songs!

So, anyone can bring me to Korean concert?
Oh, It's expensive doesn't it? And I don't even understand it.
Just, Indie band concert then.



15 September 2017

HE SAID 'I LOVE YOU'

He. Who shall not be name.
He. Who shall not be show.

Why he sounds like Lord Voldemort? Haha.

I knew lots of guy before I meet him. None of them like my man now.

None.

What I did for God to send him to me. I. Have. No. Idea. But I might be do something good then, cause he is beyond perfect. I wont tell you how I knew him, cause you might be lucky to guess it right. Which I don't want it to happen.

So.
NO.

All I can say, I close with him out of sudden. UNEXPECTEDLY. Too unexpected until I can't celebrate any monthsary if you ask me to. I don't have a date that can embrace for us to remember.It just happen, None of us plan anything.

FAITH.

He is very strict and stubborn guy I ever knew, When he say NO.

He means NO.

Even my very sexy voice tone wont change his mind. Well, its either I'm not sexy enough, or he's too strict. I'm confused right now. Okay, maybe cause I sounds like an old geese when I'm trying to be sexy. Don't blame him then.
He not kind of guy who will buy expensive stuff for me, buy a bunch of roses for me. Not even expensive food, but he will make sure I don't starve myself. He teach me, money has nothing to do with love without saying it.

He got his own way that no other guy has.

He don't simply say, 'I love you' or 'I miss you' regularly.
Only if I ask,

"Sayang, do you love me?"

"Hmmm"
(If he's not in a good mood)

"Sayang, do you love me?"

"Yes, I do"
Without even looking straight in my eyes.
(If he's in a good mood)

Cheh.

Not a romantic type. Which I don't mind at all. Cause he just perfect for very clingy, attention seeker, and please-help-me-with-everything girl like me.
He always there for me.

He do.

Even he has to buy bus's ticket and took long journey for me.

He will.

But still he will never say 'I love you'. Haha.

Recently,
I'm having a very stressful life. Burden smack my face from up, down, left, right. People keep saying bad things to me, treat me like a fucking shit. But I ain't tell him none of these things.

"Can you say something good to me?", I asked.

"I love you", he said.

I gasped and slowly put my phone on table. Walk to the toilet and cry hard. Only God know how heavy my tears was.

I could have a pond with some gold fish in the sink. Such a warm word for my broken heart.
I was expecting,

"What's wrong?" (he like to answer question with question). Blergh.

"You are kind, cute, chubby, not so smart girl and bla...bla...bla..."

But, NO. He said "I love you", a sentence that I need the most.
Okay, Let's hope he didn't type that cause he lazy. SIGH.

But I don't care, I love you more, my unicorn!

I really love this guy so much who I will never get marry to. Yah, we will not.

I always believe, "a good man for a good women" and "a good women for a good guy". He is a good man.
I know he will marry THAT good women.
He know he will marry THAT good women.\

So, this love story of us will just end when he decide to get marry. Reason why I never tired to make a good memories with him. Cause I want to remember good things with him when people mention his name in the future.
Which I hope he will still take a long time to make that decision. Haha.

For now, I love you sayang.

Darimu Ku mengenal arti kekuatan,
Hadirmu Semua indah,
Dalam Diriku bertempat hanyalah kamu,
Melengkapi Diriku,

Bintang malam setia seperti dirimu,
Tetap pudar menghilang tiada gantimu,
Dan ku masih terasa degupan jantungmu,
Tanpamu ku kan rapuh,

This song will always be for you, cause it has you name in it!

Oh, I told him I blog bout him,
Guess, he will still never read my blog. Haha.

11 September 2017

CADBURY CHOCOLATE FAN NEED TO TRY THIS!

I was craving for something sweet and creamy. That can neutralize my acidic hormone. Gosh, my hyperbola is so suck. BLERGH. I'm having a life crisis that cause me to be very hormonal and emotional. Haha. Then, I saw this very purple and attractive packaging that showed me a combination of Cadbury and Oreo. What. The. Combination. Is. That.

But I didn't buy it. Haha. (Well I'm having a hormonal life tho). So, I purposely didn't buy it and make myself sad and suffer.

Why do I born as a women I have no idea. SIGH.
Too complicated.

Then I was lucky as my very thoughtful, patience and understanding man bought this Cadbury 'limited edition' for me (so hard to get okay). O. M. G. but with smaller size lah. Well, it deter my smile a bit, haha, but he melts my heart as usual.

But a few flowers with the chocolate will be nice.
But a few romantic notes with the chocolate will be romantic.

Just a suggestion. Haha.

The moment I touched the packaging of the chocolate, it's a little bit squishy. Maybe because of the store didn't cold enough or the texture is neutrally like that, I have no idea.

DON'T CARE.
Cause I love to eat a little bit melt chocolate. So, I can lick my fingers in sexy way in front of my man.

Okay, what the hell is that?
HAHA. Ignore my inappropriate sentence and back to the chocolate shall we?

Whoever give this idea of combining Cadbury with Oreo, someone should give this guy an awards! It's so cream and come with Oreo bits for you to mix in your mouth. You will have something that you can bite and squish with your tongue. Isn't that heaven enough?!

It is so mouth watering.

A bit of advise. Prepare a PLAIN water with you. PLAIN. Or else you will feel funny in your stomach that makes you feel like throwing up. Especially if you combine it with chocolate or milky beverage.

URGH. I feel sick already.

Sour or plain water will do, cause this chocolate is sweet enough. So have a good combination okay?

So anyone have a good suggestion on desert? Cause I start to feel hormonal again. SIGH.

My man, please take note. Thanks.


5 September 2017

I'M TOO POTATO FOR GIG-BIZ

Just get back from GIG concert in The Carnival Theme Park at Sungai Petani. It's my first time! Purely first time. I'm absolutely excited! Cause I have no idea what GIG gonna looks like.

EXPECTATION.

They told me it is underground concert. So, I thought it gonna be like Hujan's concert or Hujan's concert.

OH GOSH.
I ONLY KNOW HUJAN.

And I don't even know if Hujan is an underground band. I only know they are Indie band.

Oh, wait!

Indie band = underground band, right? Okay, so basically I knew a group. Haha. Such a noob. So, since I never been to GIG concert. I decided to spend RM25 for the concert's ticket. However, if you purchase earlier, it gonna be RM20. If you are last minute people, you need to pay extra RM5 as it like penalty to you. Haha.

Okay, you just need the ticket and they will tie a cable tie at your hand's wrist. They put color on the cable tie so you can't bluff and enter for free. For a second, I thought it was a glow in the dark bangle, so you can enjoy the show with the light, so you can "la..la.." while waving your lighted bangle.

But, it's not! They just don't want you to cheat. Haha.
SMART.

REALITY.

The moment I enter the hall, there already a group performed called FSF.

OMG!

I'm so confused. Haha. The hall really hot! Not even one air-conditioner function. I feels like I paid RM25 for Sauna and I got free loud music and hysterical people. The hall was dark with no air, but people keep moving vigorously and supply more carbon dioxide and heat in there. Head bang, jump non-stop with irregular pattern, screaming, shouting, kicking someone ass and more extreme attitude. Could you imagine how hot it be? Yah! extremely hot.

GOSH. I STOOD SILENTLY.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
REALLY DEEP.

How I'm gonna appreciate this kind of music?! It's a ska punk kindda music. Can you imagine me with black eyeliner on my whole eyes, black lipstick on my lips?

DEFINITELY NO.
DAMN.

Most of the time I can only listen 'ra..ra..ra' from the singer mouth. It sounds pretty cute sometimes but I have no idea what he saying and I can't even nod my head with the rythms! I'M DEAD. This is so not me. But I think I should give myself a chance in this hotness since I already paid the ticket. So it has to be worthy somehow! I try to absorb everything and appreciate it.

IT'S REALLY HARD. HAHA.

But then, they announce the last band (main band) that gonna perform. PLAGUE OF HAPPINESS. They not even sing yet, but I was like, Ah, finally God send someone who gonna give me happiness at this really hot place. THANK GOD.

And they do!

They played trumpet and saxophone on stage and my head automatically know how to dance. Amazing!

It's a reggae kindda music! I guess.
Uh, my man would love this if he was there!

Since he has kenduri, I can't joy the music with him. But both of us dancing in my heart. Oh! I'm such a romantic person. Haha. I enjoyed the music so much and I didnt even bother the hotness anymore. People danced in circle, sang the song together. Everybody enjoyed the moment so much. Oh! I finally caught some lyrics, they are Adijawa and another one is Fuck the authority. ERM. Okay at least I caught something don't I?

So.

Music is very universal. People deliver it in so much way. Well, my kind of genre always would be R&B, POP or smooth music. Oh, cause I'm a one soft young lady. Haha. I learnt something anyway! We need to explore, experienced how other people see something, hear something and feel something in DIFFERENT WAY. Not only in our way. I didn't said we should change our style. UNDERSTAND people style. Didn't mean you pay expensive ticket for expensive artist make you a better person in music.

These underground artist they have a better lyrics, better music soul somehow. Well if you understand the lyrics lah. Haha. But true! they have hidden meaning in each of the lyrics. You might see them as no-future-people as they apply music in a rough way. If you say so, it's funny because they keep remind us about solat and not to take any drugs or alcohol.

"Dah solat asar, belum?"
"Jangan lupa solat maghrib"
"Jangan ambil dadah", remind us.

Each. Time.

Haven't I tell you there is no air-conditioner in there cause they are not allowed to and not because they don't want to?

So, don't be so judgmental, They just have different way.

Ok, sayang, can we go Rock the World on December at Bukit jalil, please?

Ok, I don't even get that soft drink!

Whoever they are.

The ticket that cost me RM25
They are husband and wife enjoy GIG together, how lovely!
They make me feel like sweet seventeen! Haha
My gal with whoever his name was...

Ayie enjoyed it pretty much

This dark okay, i could accidentally touch someone boobies. SIGH.

So, you understand what I mean? I hope he's fine. 


31 August 2017

IF YOU ARE STARBUCKS FAN

ONLY IF YOU ARE STARBUCKS FAN.
IF YOU ARE A FAN OKAY?

First of all I'm not a coffee drinker. NO. But I do have it once in a blue moon, when i think i should consume it. I'm a one busy women, sometimes i do need those energy.

So you must think why "I have right to write this if I'm not a coffee person?"
Oh! well I was once a Starbuck employee at Cameron Highland. I WAS, before I've been blacklist. Haha. Hey! its not because I cause any trouble okay! It because I have to quit my job immediately for a better opportunity. Really immediately, its a week before my Coffee Master's test. SAD.

I could have a black apron thou. SIGH.
But making coffee for my whole life is not really my life plan. So I need to jump out ASAP.
I STILL LOVE STARBUCKS ANYWAY!

I'M A HUGE FAN.
REALLY.

So here some TIPS & SUGGESTION for all of you.

BEVERAGE TIPS- Starbucks have three types of milk which are FULL CREAM, LOW FAT & SOY (my freakin favourite). You can't find their soy milk taste at any of store outside. It so soy! Haha. The taste is very light with less sweet. I dont really drink sweet stuff so their soy milk is such a bae. If you didn't request any kind of milk, they will straight away use full cream milk. RIP DIET.

They have three kind of beverage as well, COFFEE, FRAPPUCINO & TEA. A good thing bout strabuck, you can be an artist by modify the drink to your own ART! Food & Beverages is always an art to me! you can describe a person through what they consume. REALLY. TEST ME. I can read you! I always read my customers back then. Haha.

Frappucino is ice blended beverage. You don't order "One venti(large) frappucino" at Starbuck. NO. Frappucino is the title, below the title is actually your option. My favourite is always Soy Green Tea Cream Frappucino with no syrup and no cream. Extra information for you, their Green Tea Powder contain sugar enough, so if you didn't modify the sweetness they will pump the syrup(sugar) in and straight away give you diabetes, and the cream contain vanilla syrup(sugar). SO, RIP BLOOD SUGAR.

All frappucino got cream except for caramel macchiato frappucino. Put cream, extra charge. Some of the frappucino don't have chocolate chip.

So if they ask "you wanna add chocolate chip, miss?". It is extra charge.

If they ask you to ADD anything, it is HUGE possibility of extra charge. Its their job to increase the sales, so its your job to know their system before you want to purchase any drinks. Don't simply scold them cause of extra charge when you don't even bother to ask. Okay?

Americano, Cappucino and Latte DID NOT CONTAIN ANY SUGAR. So don't ask for less sweet. But you can put some by add in certain kind of syrup's flavour. Example, vanilla, hazelnut or caramel. You can play with shots too! Normal shots would be 1-2-2 (dependsbon size). So if you think you need more strong coffee, ask for extra shots. Remember extra shots EXTRA MONEY! My favourite is soy vanilla latte with extra shots. Ask them to do some art on top of your drink. Hehe. Only with latte, you can have the art on top, that's why they call it Latte Art. Well, I only can make love shape. PROUD.

If you have problem with caffeine, you can ask for DECAF. DECAF is non caffeine contain. You can sleep well with this.

The different between Cappucino and Latte is the foam. Cappucino contain foam meanwhile latte have no foam, so if you get foam in your latte, your barista ain't do she/he job properly. Ask them to do a new one. Know your customer's right.

ADL or Asian Dolce Latte, is one kind of coffee that taste like expensive nescafe susu. Haha. This is sweet enough. Don't you gatal gatal add more sugar. DON'T. Its the sweetest coffee in the list. Don't modify it, its already perfect.

Mocha is coffee plus chocolate. You can taste the bitter in sweet. Perfect combo! Their ice/hot chocolate drink is already perfect as well. They have classic and signature chocolate too. You are a Chocolate fan? Choose Signature hot/ice chocolate. The chocolate is more perfect! Caramel macchiato is such a bae too.

The best shots come from LAMA ZOCO machine cause they grind manually, stamp the grind coffee and make a best shots from the machine.

The best shots is between 8-12 seconds.So if you drink a coffee from LAMA ZOCO machine and you can't taste the 'kicks' of the shots. your barista must left your shots more than that time frame.

ONLY A TRUE COFFEE MASTER CAN TASTE THE DIFFERENT.
How can you identify that Starbuck use LAMA ZOCO machine or automatic machine (I can't remember the name)?

Once you enter the starbuck you can hear the noise. Haha. My customer always have heart attack whenever they enter our store. HAHA. So noisy. TANG TANG! HAHA. Well sorry customers, we have to do the best for you. I once had a customer come all way from Cheras to Cameron Highland ONLY to have shots from our store machine. Only certain store remain this antics machine. REAL COFFEE DRINKER will looks for this machine.

REAL COFFEE DRINKER HAVE THIS EFFORT.

Americano and brew coffee have a same price and look but different taste. It's a black coffee WITHOUT sugar. Not a coffee drinker? Don't Order this. DON'T. Some people thought americano and brew coffee is just a same, but they are not. Brew Coffee more thick but less kick. URGH. How do I explain this? taste it by yourself you can tell the different.

For tea, if you having a really stressful day at work and you need to calm your tities, HAHA, choose chamomile tea.Or if you doing MLM at starbuck and you want your customer calmly listen to you, order them this kind of tea. It's really working! If you want to feel fresh, you can always order Mint Blend, the smell is divine!

FOOD TIPS-
ERM.
SIGH.
ERM.
I'M VERY CHOOSY WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD.

SO. ERM.

Okay. If you have EXTRA money. REALLY. ONLY IF YOU HAVE EXTRA MONEY. You can try Salted Caramel cake or Blueberry Cheese Cake. Certain cake is very compatible with your brew coffee. I will come back to this in other entry okay. Oh! almost forget! please do try chocolate muffin or ondeh ondeh! Too much perfect for this two.

For hot meal.

ERM. Save your money to eat at better place. Haha. DON'T YOU EVER EVER EVER EVER spent your money for the soup. MashaAllah NO! Either pumpkin or mushroom. JUST DON'T. Even you are vegetarian. DON'T!

DISCOUNT TIPS- Purchase their tumbler. Serious. It's worthy if you go to starbucks more than you go to work. They have discount RM 2 for that. LOOK AT THE RECEIPT after purchase, if they didn't cut the discount. KINDLY ask for refund. I said kindly okay? They are human too. Mistakes happen. They will give back your RM2. So dont be so fussy bout it.

Apply for Starbucks card! Serious. Purchase more than RM10 to activate your card, register it at www.starbuck.com and get your card in your phone by download the apps! Each drink you purchase will give you a point, if you collect ten point, you can redeem ONE free GRANDE drink. You can redeem one free donut if you purchase food too. Sometimes, they have double rewards on starbuck card as well. What I try to say here, get the starbuck card, use it like your debit card while purchase any Starbuck's F&B and enjoy all the benefits! It's really worthy!

Starbucks have promotion day and hours too! ERM. usually it gonna happen every Tuesday and Friday from 5PM to 8PM. Sometimes they offer you buy one free one promotions! Starbucks very good in giving promotions. So, like their page at facebook, Starbuck Malaysia to get know more bout promotion and discount.

LASTLY, have a friend who work at Starbucks and use their benefits. HAHA. OMG I'm so evil. haha. Well most of the barista dont mind using their discount for lots of friend. I even use my employee beverages for my man. Haha. We drink enough starbuck stuff so we dont mind share it with our friend.

SO STARBUCK CAN YOU STOP BLACKLIST ME? I'M STILL YOUR FAN OKAY?



26 August 2017

MCDONALD ICE CREAM DURIAN REVIEW

UNPAID.
TOTALLY UNPAID.

I were very keen to it when I've been told that MCDONALD has launched its Ice cream Durian. A little bit extra information of me, I can eat more than 5 durian PER DAY by MYSELF.

SERIOUS.

So when MCD launch this fruit with ice cream, it a must to try! Well its a good combination tho.

My man need to finish up his game earlier to bring me to MCDONALD just, ONLY JUST to make sure I can taste this new launch ice cream.

Yah, what a guy rite?

That moment I saw the price, which gonna cost me RM8, I cross my finger and said, "This better be good". Well you might say "8 ringgit is not that expensive", but I'm a broke women with expensive appetite. SO THIS ICE CREAM HAS TO BE VERY GOOD!

My very first scoop of this ice cream can bring me straight away to the moon and never coming back. Haha.

It's very toothsome! It can please your palate and your teeth (oh, you know what I mean, its an ice cream tho) It's so milky, creamy and you can taste the durian bits in it! I mean they didn't lie at all when they said "It contains D24". Well I have no idea what behinds this D24 code, but I guess D for Durian will do make sense. (wow! now I sound smart). EHEM.

Even I'm broke but I guess that RM8 worth the taste. However, a little bit warn for you, MCDONALD didn't smell good this time. Haha. The moment you open the door, you will know they are selling durian stuff inside. Well, durian dont have divine scent, but who care! they have very ambrosial taste.

So, since it is still Durian season, why don't you forget your diet for awhile and taste this delightful mouth watering dessert from MCDONALD cause it really deserve your taste bud!

OK, CAN YOU PAY ME NOW, MCDONALD?



22 August 2017

KJ vs PRINCE MATEEN

It Sukan SEA 2017 season! If you are sports person (obviously I'm not!), you must keen with it. But Sukan SEA2017 this time very smart. They put handsome-handsome guy in the game to attract me. Aww, you know who I'm talking about.

Our tall, dark and handsome, Minister for Youth and Sports, Khairy Jamaluddin.

AND

OUR neighbourhood charming Prince from Brunei, HRH Prince Abdul Mateen.

BOTH CHARMING.

One guy can make you feel bless living in this country with him and another guy who can trigger you to change your nationality cause you can feel nearer to him. Haha.

I HAVE NATIONALITY'S SPIRIT ISSUE.
OBVIOUSLY.

Thanks to them, at least I know this Equestrian Polo exist. Haha. Let me tell you about the game. Two team riding horseback holding that polo stick and spank the ball.

Why is this sound so wrong?!Haha.

Ok! that doesn't sound intelligent. CLEAR THROAT. EHEM

Polo is not an easy game, it takes years to learn, decades to master and lifetime to perfect. Here I summarize for you:
It's a team sports played on horseback. They have to score goal against opposite team. Player will score by putting the white ball inside opposite team goal using mallet. Play in 300 x 160 yards field. Each team got 4 riders and their mount.

EHEM. THANKS WIKIPEDIA.

Well it sounds pretty simple but I guess it not that easy.

By the way, good luck for both team. Thank god i'm not watching the game live at Putrajaya today, or else, you gonna see me holding both flag. Well, whoever winning, my love will stand still for both of you. No. I mean my support. My support will stand still for you.

GOSH.

I have issue with handsome guy. Easily attracted. Haha.

Sorry Malaysia. Loyalty is so hard this time.

BUT HEY! They can't beat my MAN good looking lah. He still on top of my heart. My Korean and Chinese look man (who shall not be name). He is the most handsome guy in the world (who shall not be show too).

IN CASE HE READ THIS.
PRINCE MATEEN VS KJ

17 August 2017

IT'S A COMEBACK

Let's do more. Haha. I got sucked in once again, thanks to Uyul Rosli who keep inspired me with her blog. She's cute. Trust me.

To be honest, I'm not that interesting but I have passion to share not-that-interesting stuff to people. Haha. I once a blogger since high school. I used this medium cause my mother love to read my diary! Sigh. But then when I start to live a University's life. Love makes me stop this blogging thing.

STUPID I must say.

Leave your passion to chase something that not love you back is a bad idea.

BAD.
IDEA.

I could be famous amos now. HAHA. NO. My previous blog is a piece of shit. Imagine a girl having dilemma to choose between Justin Bieber and Cody Simpson. FACE PALM.

NO.
IT'S NOT A GOOD BLOG that I can keep for my next generation to read.

Well, at least this time I matured enough to write stuff, you read and judge me. SWEATS.

Ah, whatever.

So now what? I prepare to be censure?

BIG BIG GULP.
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