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6 October 2017

I WORRY TOO MUCH

This few weeks haven't be a nice week for me. Well I'm currently still having my hijab on and it's completely one week now. Yey!*SWEATING*

I've been so much worry bout finance lately. I'm holding too much responsibilities in my family now and my job hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't really know how I could survive this for upcoming weeks as I still can't see any solutions right now.

So. I. Worry. Much.
Giving advise to yourself is very hard to do.

One moment I'll be like,
"Okay, I can handle this, it just a phase of life, every one been through this"

One moment I'll be like,
"Fuck this positive shit! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!"

Literally freak out.

Having this mental breakdown while you living alone by yourself is not a good idea sometimes. Overthinking is a secret weapon that can lead to self war. But when you try to be a little bit positive, being alone give a chance for you to reflect everything. Where I found it pretty good actually.

I've been worry bout the future a lot. This anxiety is because I knew I could do nothing bout my problems. I've been away from my family for this past 6 years where I'm currently in Penang right now for work.

Being away from your family and familiar environment can be so tough as I'm out from my comfort zone. But I just realize Allah always, always had my back. He will help me with the most beautiful and unexpected ways.

I've been slept in my car for two days in a row as I've been kick out from my house rent. Fyi, that orange kelisa of mine has no air conditioner in it. Can you imagine how miserable is that? I slept with gallons of sweat with all my stuffs in there and my car smells like a gym.

Disgusting.

I don't have god damn money to rent a new house. Fortunately, my man found a new house for me to rent with very cheap price and complete facilities. RM 125 for fully furnished room and house, with WIFI, complete kitchen, and with Astro's plate outside the house (okay that wifi important the most). With Allah help I be able to pay the house. Seriously, I can't remember where that money come from.

Okay, that is not an interesting story. But I could relate with it almost instantaneously. I'm so worry I would be homeless in the future where I'm actually not.

He is helping me.
He give me more than I was praying for.
(I never mention bout that wifi in my pray. hehe)

This situation actually re-affirm what I already know that,

Allah will never leave us alone to fend ourselves.
Allah will test us (21:55) and He also promise us few things.

We will never be tested beyond our capabilities (94:6)
There is ease WITH every difficulties (94:6)which ease will not come AFTER the difficulties, it will come ALONGSIDE the difficulties. Which He means we have to find the ease around us.

Don't mourn over the closed door, search for the opened door.

If you have problems with your job that you can't solve, find other job.
If you have problems with your finance, work your ass harder.
If your bf/gf left you, find the other one.

Well I know it's easier to say, but it seems leggit right?
I mean what more you can do when the door closed and you don't even have the key anymore?

And, what ever happen to us, is always for the best (2:216).

I feed my brain with these 3 thought and praise to Allah the worry start to fade little by little. I come across something at facebook while i'm watching motivation videos that quote

"Let's not carry the worries of this life because it is FOR Allah"
"Do not also carry the worries of sustenance because it is FROM Allah"
"And do not worry about the future because it is BELONGS to Allah"

So, if you feel afraid and feel so much uneasiness that cause you anxiety.

JUST LEAVE IT TO ALLAH.

Tell him in your Sujood and feel all the burden being transferred from your shoulder over to Him.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You just hand it over to All Knowing (Al-Alim), All Seeing (Al-Baseer), All Hearing (Al-Sami), All Providing (Al-Razzaq), The Utterly Just (Al-Adl), The Wise (Al-Hakim) and the Protecting, Ally and Helper (Al-Wali).

If you think you can solve everything. It is a bullshit. I've tried. It is a bullshit.

Really. You are Homo Sapien (human) for God Sake!

You can't fix anything.
But He can.

This life is a mountain that you've been carrying and all you have to do is climb.
Enjoy the scene, enjoy the beauty.
Chill.
Taken the air.
Marvel and be excited what Allah been prepared for us on top of the mountain, what he plan for us.

Surprise is always the best. I love surprises. Okay, my birthday is coming soon and I love surprises. (take note sayang!)

Okay, okay, back to the topic.

I hope we all have the strength to face our struggles. Because if only we can see the size of blessing, that is coming to us right now, then we would understand the magnitude of the battle that we are currently struggling.

I pray for your easiness and strength. A lots of DM and messages that I got from my previous post that show lots of us are struggling and I just want you to know, I always with all of you who are having battle right now. I really do love you, May Allah give us lots of His bless.

I love you girls and please be strong. Your name in my doa each day. You can always text me if you have anything more to share. I can listen to the same story again and again until your pain turn to a beautiful happiness.

To my man,
Thank you for show me that having a patience, believe and tawakkal to Allah is not a waste. You gonna be a good imam in your family soon. I do believe that. I'm so happy you gonna start your career really soon. Allah has rewards you with all his blessings.

I love you my one and only engineer.
Maybe we can go Sephora more often next month ya?
yes? no?
Just a suggestion tho.


1 October 2017

I OPENED MY HIJAB CAUSE I'M MAD WITH GOD

First of all, just calm yourself. This is about me, and it's about people like me.

so, calm down.
Read.

Before I opened my hijab for 2 years now, I was wearing hijab for almost....okay, I can't remember it precisely, 5 to 7 years maybe. To be very honest with you, I never like wearing it. NEVER. I don't like the feels of wearing it, I don't like how hideous I am wearing it. No one knows how I feel bout this matter.

"If you love Allah, then you have to wear tudung for bla bla bla reason", my ibu said.

Don't get me wrong, my mother never force me to do so. She know how much I love Allah back then. She just encouraged me to be more obedient muslim.

So I did.

For these past 2 years until now, things getting tougher, disaster happen to me and my family until I feel very lost.

VERY LOST.
VERY, VERY, VERY LOST.

I'm not that kind, patience girl anymore. I do bad stuffs, I took bad stuffs, I immersed myself in horrible things.

I never blame anyone. But, I blame God.
UNGRATEFUL ME. I know.

I had depression till I've been warded to psychiatic's ward. I cut myself, I bleed myself, I hurt myself.

I literally hate myself.

Don't know how much suicidal way I googled.
Don't know how much time I've been thinking to kill myself.

I just hate my life.

I'm so mad with Allah for being unfair and mean to me. So, I opened my Hijab cause I think He don't love me and I don't want to love him back.

Stupid ya?
Rebel, I can say.

I wore Hijab before not to impress anyone. I do it because I really love my God and my religion. But, when I start to feel frustrated, I stop loving Him and I don't see any purpose of wearing Hijab anymore. I even think of being atheist cause I feel I'm not in a right path anymore.

Astaghfirullahalazim.

After all these two years, last 2 night something funny happen to me.
Even I hate Him and I don't trust Him anymore. My life still miserable. I work hard, very hard, but still my life change nothing! Nothing good happen, my life gettin more hard. I still have anxiety. I still have illusion.

Not even one night I can sleep calmly. I start to lose more money. My car not in a good condition. People treat me badly.

Until one night, weird thing happen. I can't sleep, I can't breath, I feel suffocated and feel heavy pressure pressed my chest. Anxiety strike in, and I decided to have a walk at 3am in the morning to lighten up the pressure. I became half lunatic!

After I felt tired of the long walked, I back to my room and I saw Quran on my closet (I never noticed it before as I purposely put it at hidden place). I love to keep pictures of people that I love in the Quran. So I opened the Quran just to see the pictures.

JUST TO SEE THE PICTURES.

Out of no where, I suddenly start to recite the Quran and It's surah Ar-Rahman(Maha Penyayang). I recited it in the middle of night including the translation.

I feel calm.
Very calm.

Since I love what I feel that moment, I put the Quran right on my chest and hug it. I love the feeling of closer to Quran at that time. Then, I fall asleep.


A voice appear in my dream and it still ringing in my head

"Hanya Allah punya kuasa. Kau tiada daya upaya. Lepaskan bebanmu. Allah jaga." echo in my dream.

Simple.
Just simple as that.

With all this burden, I think I could control it, I think I could handle it by myself. BUT HELL NO! Even I nicely planned everything, nothing seems working smoothly. Whenever Allah say NO, I say YES. Whenever Allah say YES, I say NO. I keep fight all his plan cause I don't like what He do with my life.

After that dream, I stop.
I stop fighting.
I TRUST him back.
I put my HOPE again.
I put my HIJAB on for His sake.
Cause I wanna start loving Him all over again.
Well nothing seems right till now as I just decide to be a good muslim again just 2 days ago. Haha. But, I know I done a right thing this time, and I hope it will be forever.

Thinking of He will take care of me.
Thinking of He will help me.
Thinking of He will guide me.
Thinking of He will not disappoint me.

I'M MORE CALM NOW.

"Everything has its own reason" and "Allah will place me at the best place and best time" are my mantra now.

Those anxiety, they're still there but I keep feeding my mind with positive thoughts.
To be honest I still don't like donning Hijab on my head back again, but, I'm more sincere now.

For Allah, for Islam.
I try my best to bring the best with this "new" identity.

To all my friend and family who unfortunately have to see me 'naked' myself. I'm sorry. I don't mind with all the judgments cause I'm the one who create it. I just want to say thank you for being so understanding.

To all the girls who suffer the same thing as I am right now. I'm always here if you want someone to listen to you,to hug you, to understand you.

I'M HERE, just ring me and I'll be there. This heart conflict is a serious issue. Only people like us understand this. I've been in a position whereas I don't have any comfortable channel to talk bout this. People thought we are attention seeker but we are just a SICK SOUL. We can still safe our self. Cure it before its too late. You still have time and hope. TRUST ME.

To my future children, see? mummy having a tough life too. If at this moment you feel some struggle in your life, always know that mummy will be here for you, guide you to a right path again, always will correct all your flaws, never feel afraid to tell me okay? And if I'm not been destiny to grow old with you, you can tell your daddy too. He will love you what ever it is like he loves me. He will guide you like he did to me. Dont ever once you feel alone in this creepy world okay sayang? Mummy loves you.


To my man,
who never stop being patience and be there for me, guide me, a witness of all my miserable life, thank you and I promise to look at the quickest shawl tutorial at youtube so you wont have to wait for me. Haha.


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