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1 October 2017

I OPENED MY HIJAB CAUSE I'M MAD WITH GOD

First of all, just calm yourself. This is about me, and it's about people like me.

so, calm down.
Read.

Before I opened my hijab for 2 years now, I was wearing hijab for almost....okay, I can't remember it precisely, 5 to 7 years maybe. To be very honest with you, I never like wearing it. NEVER. I don't like the feels of wearing it, I don't like how hideous I am wearing it. No one knows how I feel bout this matter.

"If you love Allah, then you have to wear tudung for bla bla bla reason", my ibu said.

Don't get me wrong, my mother never force me to do so. She know how much I love Allah back then. She just encouraged me to be more obedient muslim.

So I did.

For these past 2 years until now, things getting tougher, disaster happen to me and my family until I feel very lost.

VERY LOST.
VERY, VERY, VERY LOST.

I'm not that kind, patience girl anymore. I do bad stuffs, I took bad stuffs, I immersed myself in horrible things.

I never blame anyone. But, I blame God.
UNGRATEFUL ME. I know.

I had depression till I've been warded to psychiatic's ward. I cut myself, I bleed myself, I hurt myself.

I literally hate myself.

Don't know how much suicidal way I googled.
Don't know how much time I've been thinking to kill myself.

I just hate my life.

I'm so mad with Allah for being unfair and mean to me. So, I opened my Hijab cause I think He don't love me and I don't want to love him back.

Stupid ya?
Rebel, I can say.

I wore Hijab before not to impress anyone. I do it because I really love my God and my religion. But, when I start to feel frustrated, I stop loving Him and I don't see any purpose of wearing Hijab anymore. I even think of being atheist cause I feel I'm not in a right path anymore.

Astaghfirullahalazim.

After all these two years, last 2 night something funny happen to me.
Even I hate Him and I don't trust Him anymore. My life still miserable. I work hard, very hard, but still my life change nothing! Nothing good happen, my life gettin more hard. I still have anxiety. I still have illusion.

Not even one night I can sleep calmly. I start to lose more money. My car not in a good condition. People treat me badly.

Until one night, weird thing happen. I can't sleep, I can't breath, I feel suffocated and feel heavy pressure pressed my chest. Anxiety strike in, and I decided to have a walk at 3am in the morning to lighten up the pressure. I became half lunatic!

After I felt tired of the long walked, I back to my room and I saw Quran on my closet (I never noticed it before as I purposely put it at hidden place). I love to keep pictures of people that I love in the Quran. So I opened the Quran just to see the pictures.

JUST TO SEE THE PICTURES.

Out of no where, I suddenly start to recite the Quran and It's surah Ar-Rahman(Maha Penyayang). I recited it in the middle of night including the translation.

I feel calm.
Very calm.

Since I love what I feel that moment, I put the Quran right on my chest and hug it. I love the feeling of closer to Quran at that time. Then, I fall asleep.


A voice appear in my dream and it still ringing in my head

"Hanya Allah punya kuasa. Kau tiada daya upaya. Lepaskan bebanmu. Allah jaga." echo in my dream.

Simple.
Just simple as that.

With all this burden, I think I could control it, I think I could handle it by myself. BUT HELL NO! Even I nicely planned everything, nothing seems working smoothly. Whenever Allah say NO, I say YES. Whenever Allah say YES, I say NO. I keep fight all his plan cause I don't like what He do with my life.

After that dream, I stop.
I stop fighting.
I TRUST him back.
I put my HOPE again.
I put my HIJAB on for His sake.
Cause I wanna start loving Him all over again.
Well nothing seems right till now as I just decide to be a good muslim again just 2 days ago. Haha. But, I know I done a right thing this time, and I hope it will be forever.

Thinking of He will take care of me.
Thinking of He will help me.
Thinking of He will guide me.
Thinking of He will not disappoint me.

I'M MORE CALM NOW.

"Everything has its own reason" and "Allah will place me at the best place and best time" are my mantra now.

Those anxiety, they're still there but I keep feeding my mind with positive thoughts.
To be honest I still don't like donning Hijab on my head back again, but, I'm more sincere now.

For Allah, for Islam.
I try my best to bring the best with this "new" identity.

To all my friend and family who unfortunately have to see me 'naked' myself. I'm sorry. I don't mind with all the judgments cause I'm the one who create it. I just want to say thank you for being so understanding.

To all the girls who suffer the same thing as I am right now. I'm always here if you want someone to listen to you,to hug you, to understand you.

I'M HERE, just ring me and I'll be there. This heart conflict is a serious issue. Only people like us understand this. I've been in a position whereas I don't have any comfortable channel to talk bout this. People thought we are attention seeker but we are just a SICK SOUL. We can still safe our self. Cure it before its too late. You still have time and hope. TRUST ME.

To my future children, see? mummy having a tough life too. If at this moment you feel some struggle in your life, always know that mummy will be here for you, guide you to a right path again, always will correct all your flaws, never feel afraid to tell me okay? And if I'm not been destiny to grow old with you, you can tell your daddy too. He will love you what ever it is like he loves me. He will guide you like he did to me. Dont ever once you feel alone in this creepy world okay sayang? Mummy loves you.


To my man,
who never stop being patience and be there for me, guide me, a witness of all my miserable life, thank you and I promise to look at the quickest shawl tutorial at youtube so you wont have to wait for me. Haha.


1 comment:

  1. Allah swt give us trials because He still remembers us. Imagine if He forgets about us? Be strong girl. I have been there too. Remember, you have your family and friends that love you. Be strong.

    ReplyDelete

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