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12 November 2017

25 YEARS FOR NOTHING

I've always been a huge birthday person. People who knew me before would know how alarming I was when it comes to my birthday. Cause, Oh, you know it's a day we were born and it's very special of course.

I'm 25 years old this year.
Gosh! How time flies.

Some of us at this age, start to built up career successfully, point of their stable life, being pretty and handsome, someone fiance, someone wife, someone mother and here I am.

SOMEONE NO ONE.
BROKE AF.
STILL HIDEOUS.
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE.

Ok, this is so ugly. Haha.

Somehow it makes me feel I don't deserve to celebrate my birthday. I feel ashamed of myself. "25, and you have nothing? what did you do?"

So useless.

Yah,I realized, for 25 years I really do nothing for my life. I'm the one who let things happen to myself. I was bullied for being broke, I was bullied for being too sensitive, I was bullied for being too vulnerable, for being too honest, too kind (can lah, still not so kind lah).

I STARTED BUILDING UP WALLS.

I started guarding myself, started not allowing people into my life. I don't even know my roomate name okay. Haha. Well, it not because they are bad or I was looking at them and think "You, might hurt me". NO. But it because I feel I don't deserve to be welcome into other people life.

I've been mourned for something that I can't do anything bout it and let go of all the chances that I possibly can change something. I trap myself in the way I could not help. Too much focus in what I lose, instead of realize what I have.

I've been given someone for the first time of my life, who made me feel like I was worthy of being loved, who made me feel seen. I was looking to feel heard and this person heard me.

I'm still blessed, someone actually loves me. Alhamdulillah.

On my birthday, I look out at all my old photos when I was OKAY. Then I found MINI me picture, try so hard to walk with those tiny legs of mine. Smile proudly without hesitation.

Cute, by the way.

I looked at my own tiny eyes and I see, "THIS GIRL IS GOING PLACES".
But when I stand in front of the mirror, looked at myself now, at this age of 25,
I don't see that look in my eyes anymore.
I was looking at a person that no longer resembled me.
I looked and I can described myself like a sky choking on clouds. Not knowing whether to rain or sunny or to be clear.

I LOOK LIKE I WAS CHOKING.

And at that moment, at the age of 25 I decided not to give up on myself. You know, blog is more than just a website with words to me. I don't force myself with the content.

I WILL KEEP ON WRITE.
Oh, type I mean. Whatever, as long as you understand what I'm trying to say. Haha.

I write about my pain. I write bout it as hard as it feels and no one will tell me bout what to write or not to write. People once ask me to stop write bout how agony I feel to gain people sympathy.

STOP.
Stop right there, fellas.

I heal this way, and the fact that I post it cause I know I could help someone out there to make they feel that they are not ALONE.

The deeper I went into my pain, the higher I rose in courage, the higher I rose in being proud of who I am. Turning my pain into something beautiful, turning it into nectar, instead of turning it into bitterness or coldness. That has given me so much conviction in the fact that our world need more people,

WHO NOT AFRAID TO BE HUMAN, TO BE VULNERABLE, TO TAKE RISK AND TO STAND INFRONT OF THE WORLD AND SAID,

"This is what happened to me, and this is how I overcome it, and you have no right to take away my story from me, because when you do that, you take away a new person that I'm becoming".

So, yah.

I might be nothing at this age 25, but you will see I grow and not give up. By the age of 26, in sha Allah, I will read this back and said to myself,

"Wow, I really do something for me to growth and achieve this level."

Now, I've been struggling so much, I broke to pieces that I have to pick up every each of myself, and I'm still picking up. Have a trust in Allah, He loves you no matter how bad you think you are. If He didn't give what you want yet, be patience, He got plan.

HE WILL SUPRISE YOU. This moment you are living, no matter which level you are right now, that because Allah want you to be there. This is what I learn from my man. My bubsy. Have a trust in Allah. He keep remind me that when I down to earth.

So don't compare your life with others. Write your own story, use your own time frame. Have trust in Allah. 8.11.2017 is the date I turn 25.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

P/S: Thank you to wonderful person who wish my birthday, Thank you to a wonderful person who bought me cake and starbuck's beverage with your limited money. Thank you to a very patience person who wait 30 minutes just to kidnap me away. I really hope God will bless you with lots of His blessing. Next year gonna be 8.11.18, I can feel the ONG redi. Haha.

2 comments:

  1. U r someone worth 2 adore... we adore u since d very 1st time we met u....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awwwww i'm still no one to be adore with...i didnt achieved anything basically...i adore how your raise your little munchkinsss...they are so luckkkkyyy to have you...i would tell them million times when i meet them one day..hehe

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